We need to talk. I would really like to be in bed right now but I can’t be because some fucked up shit exists on the internet and I need to comment.
Last week, I wrote a column about my kids losing their teeth in which I referenced Dr. Robin Zasio.
What’s that, you say? You’ve never heard of Dr Robin Zasio? Well that is unacceptable. Hoarders has been on for what like 15 years? You have no excuse. Dr. Robin Zasio is the most annoying hoarding shrink in the entire history of hoarding shrinks.
Ugh. Oh my god you guys. That hair! What the fuck is with that hair? It’s like perfect tendrils of foam insulation just intricately laid one on top of another. Like tiny strings of glass that, if you look at them too much or too indelicately, will just shatter just in front of you from the very stress of your mere gaze. It is outrageous.
The bird arms. You guys, she has the tiniest little bird arms. Like, I could wrap my fist around her bicep 15 times. It’s ridiculous. It’s not even a thing that normal human beings have, arms like that.
No. Everything, the proportions, the physics of it… just everything is all sorts of wrong here.
But what really crawls under my skin, lays its filthy eggs and then burrows its way back out again, painfully, leaving scars and trauma in its unholy wake, like a fucking parasitic alien bug monster, when it comes to Dr Robin Zasio is that voice.
This, you guys. This right here is what you’re supposed to sound like when you walk into any residence that has been featured on “Hoarders” before Cory Chalmers gets there and makes the place look like a less infectious version of its shitty self:
Not the syrupy mom voice from every Pre-K cartoon that aired between 1979 and 1987.
But here’s the thing: everyone, everyone loves Dr. Robin Zasio. They love her in so many ways, and some of them, I found out as I was trying to find pictures of her to help me describe the hair and the arms and the entire disturbing ambiance that she presents, love her in some equally disturbing ways.
Now, when you Google something, you have the option to click a link at the top of the page that will allow you to filter the results by pictures only. Lot of questionable uses for this feature. No argument there. But I did utilize it, for entirely, painfully legitimate reasons in my search for Zasio reference material. And what happens when you do that is that you get the pictures but then you get some suggested search terms as well, just sort of lightly dusted throughout the results.
And holy shit y’all. The dusting of suggested search terms related to Dr. Robin Zasio’s name? I’m legit concerned for her.
Here. I looked them up again just so that I could screenshot this shit because y’all need to understand what people are looking for in relation to Dr. Robin Zasio on the internet.
Dr. Robin Zasio swimsuit?
Ick, you guys. She’s like a third grade teacher who’s… not a lot of years from retirement. That’s not appropriate. That could be your mother, guys. Calm yo lil tits right down.
Dr. Robin Zasio bikini is worse.
Y’all some nasty people.
But Dr. Robin Zasio toes?
Toes, motherfuckers? Come right on. Y’all like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs up in here. Just hoarding and murdering. Hoarding and murdering.
Just tucking away.
I really, really don’t understand why, but Dr. Robin Zasio sweater actually makes me more uncomfortable than Dr. Robin Zasio toes or Dr. Robin Zasio bikini. I think because it’s a far less common fetish which actually makes you weirder than the guy with the Zasio swimsuit fetish.
And what in the Sam Hell is Dr. Robin Zasio oops all about? You understand that this shows up as a suggested search term because it gets searched a lot more then other Dr. Robin Zasio search term combinations right? Like you understand this?
I cannot even begin to imagine what Dr Robin Zasio oops is all about, but I refuse to click on it, because I feel like it just is a wormhole that leads directly, and abruptly, to just, like, a really depraved and irreversibly sick part of the dark web.
And, frankly, I want no parts of it.
These are far less concerning. I just like the chick’s face in the bottom right of this one.
That’s my automatic facial response to any Zasio-related stimuli, of any sensory genre whatsoever.
Oh here we are, right back in creeper central territory.
Dr. Robin Zasio…feet…jeans…
God help every last one of you that helped make this a suggested Search term.
Horses? I mean, really? Really really? Wow, dudes.
Vs. Rebecca whom?
Now you’re entering her into fight clubs with other hoarding doctors?
Come on you guys. It’s ok to ask for help. What happened to you? The abuse must have been astounding for you to have wound up this ill.
Dr. Robin Zasio body.
What about her mind, ya shallow dickrods?
And then there are the YouTube comments.
This is not even deep into one comment thread, and it’s on the first video I found. You do not have to dig deep to find the unfiltered, bottled-at-the-source diarrhoeal commentary filth these dudes churn out.
It’s bananas, you guys.
Like, what makes it so disgusting is that it’s not outright raunchy so you know it’s completely serious.
Like, this comment should be some kind of weird inside joke but no. This is really a thing that gets someone there.
I can’t even do it anymore. But once you know this shit exists you can never, ever unknow it.
And so, I present it to you.
Misery loves company.
You hear me out there?
You need a bodyguard. Be careful out there. It’s creepy. And sticky. And weird.