It’s Mother’s Day.
I have mixed feelings about the holiday. It’s a muddy one for me.
I worry basically all day every day about my kids. And how I’m parenting them. About our relationship, and about their attachment. The assumptive schemas they’re forming of the world, strengthening with every experience and interaction. Core beliefs about what normal and acceptable relationships and boundaries look like in theory. How they should interplay in practice based on observed, modeled behaviors I’ve provided.
I struggle with the uncertainty over whether I’m parenting acceptably. It doesn’t seem as though it should be difficult to know whether you’re going about it too hard, or too lenient. Are you really authoritative or are you an authoritarian dictator who demands behavior and compliance because of what your child’s success, or lack thereof, says about you?
I spend just as much time thinking about parenting as I do about personal motivation.
I am evaluating my motivations for every word that comes out of my mouth, every behavior I display, all day long. And the domain in which I do that the most, by leaps and bounds, is parenting.
Anyhow. Motherhood is simultaneously the biggest honor and the greatest horror of my life. I just can’t imagine that I’m not doing irrevocable damage all of the time and it’s not as though you get any feedback on how you’re doing until it’s too late to do anything about it if you have fucked them up.
We made cupcakes for the grandmas today. We have three grandmas to cover for Mother’s Day. And I had a grand total of $21.57 as a budget.
Linda’s favorite cake is black forest. You get one hell of a monster cake out if my recipe, though, and it’s not cheap. One piece of cake per grandma felt scheisty. So I decided to adapt the receipt to cupcakes instead.
They’re super easy and we even got fancy little window boxes for them. The girls picked the sprinkles. One of the tools I use to evaluate how well I am mellowing as a mother is my reaction to their choice in things like sprinkles for planned cupcake gifts.
In my head, the cupcakes each had a fresh Bing cherry on top with a red candy drizzle. They were seeing something more along the lines of neon pink and purple sprinkles. And I can happily report that I was fine with that.
They all turned out very nice. The grandmas are happy. Harper was pissed at me for putting cherries in the cupcakes. Because she’s still working on the concept of a gift being for the person receiving it and not for the person giving it. We had six cupcakes left over and neither of my kids would touch them with a ten foot pole because cherries.
So happy Mother’s Day to me.
I woke up this morning to the information that:
1. I want French toast,
2. The cat puked in three places, and
3. This face:
All up in my grill area.
Also, a few people have asked about chemical bluing. I wrote about bluing my sheets a few weeks ago. Most people have never heard of chemical bluing agents.
Not even the store staff at the places where Mrs. Stewart’s is sold. But they do carry it at Ace Hardware now, which is nice. It’s actually cheaper than Amazon. Which is surprising. I like to shop local whenever it’s at all possible, so it’s good to hear able to get it there. It’s also great as pool water tint, and as a shampoo additive if you gave blue or silver hair and want it to stay that way. And I do. And I do.
Thats the bottle it comes in. It needs to be diluted ahead of time and added after the basin finishes filling. I keep a quart jar in the laundry room just for bluing. That is 1/4 teaspoon in a quart of water ready to go into a full basin. What I love most about bluing as opposed to bleach is that I can wash my blue comforter and pillowcases in the same load, which saves appreciable time on laundry day.
Anyhow. That’s Mother’s Day! If you are a mom, and if you are the type of mom who gives even one iota of a crap whether she’s doing a good job, then you are a good mom. And you deserve to be recognized.
Xoxo. Muah ladies.