I think what I might love the most about my job is the intense philosophical debates we engage in around the newsroom. Today, everyone got real serious about trying to hammer out some inglorious truths in regards to rabies, bestiality, and the ability of animals to give consent.
Here’s what we came up with:
1. Rabies may be a sexually transmitted disease in certain contexts and with certain required variables met. This is scientifically verifiable. Whether or not rabies could be sexually transmitted during human-animal coitus is unclear, but it is theorized that it could be spread via sexual intercourse between an infected human and an uninfected human, so it is at least possible in some version of reality, known or unknown, that animal-human coitus could also result in transmission of the virus. And that fact is, quite literally, all we needed to move forward.
2. Consent on the part of an animal would make the crime of non-consensual human-initiated animal-human coitus completely legal fair play. Animal-initiated leg humping and biting (animal biting offending humans, that is) could be considered legal indicators of consent, or the lack thereof, on the part of an animal. In the absence of legal precedent or case law on which to base decisions, because let’s be honest, this is cutting edge philosophy here, all parties were comfortable saying that these behaviors could constitute legal consent or non-consent, indicating that said animal may, or may not, be amenable to the idea of being penetrated by a human (Sitler, 2018.)
3. The age of consent for any species shall be measured in that species’ human years. Example: dogs age approximately seven human years for each year of life, meaning that the age at which a dog can consent to sexual intercourse with a human being, within the parameters of this thought experiment, would be 2.571428 (repeating) years of age. I actually ran the numbers. Just to be safe. #totalravenclaw
Unfortunately, upon further review of the literature, it has been discovered that dogs actually age more in their early lives than they do in increasing years. This entirely scientific WebMD chart demonstrates the current accepted wisdom on dog aging.
Taking into account this new information, and another quick run of the numbers through an entirely scientific algorithm created by me (patent pending), the actual age of consent for all sizes of dog breed would be approximately 1.2 years. So.
4. The name of our law firm (because we are clearly outstanding at argumentationeryism and whatnot, and there is a legitimate niche market for which such brilliant minds could be put to honest and efficacious use) shall be known as Cotton, Ferry, Gross, Patchen, and Sitler. It’s alphabetical, so that there will be no bickering. But we shall be colloquially known as “Gross Ferry Cotton.” Because that’s funny.
5. I would like to go on record that I did not initially accept the legality of bestiality in any circumstance, and even went so far as to make the bold assertion that anyone engaging in bestiality deserved to get rabies, whether it were possible or not. Sitler destroyed that argument with savage brutality, by establishing thresholds of measurable and verifiable consent – including leg humping for dogs, cats being in heat (because they’ll do anything to get laid), and getting a dog to nod its head when asked whether it had given, or would willingly give, consent by using a Snausage. So Sitler (no, spellcheck, his name is not Hitler) shall be cited in all forthcoming animal consent legislation.
The conversation was initially raised in regards to rabies testing in bats. Which, of course, led us down a bit of a tangential and divergent path of conjecture as to whether or not penetration of the Batman constituted bestiality.
Those boundaries are still being defined. Talks are ongoing, but productive.
What is known for certain at this point is that anyone who penetrates either (a) a bat or (b) Adam West’s corpse shall henceforth and forever be referred to as a “batfan.”
We do important work here.
In other news, my kids love Frank Zappa.
So, I’m kicking ass at parenting.
And for everyone who tells me I’m a shitty mom, guess what? Didn’t name either of my kids Moon Unit. So. I’m at least a better parent than Frank Zappa, bitches.
Their new favorite song is “Valley Girl.”
Don’t worry, society. I’m growing you two kickass women.
Everything is going to be fine. They’re going to rule the world with their awesomeness.