First of all, I’m just going to leave this right here:
I was shocked when I got the call that my marriage left me (physically) unscathed. I truly expected there to be some kind of “good news and bad news” game to be played.
Maybe you didn’t actively try to kill me but you recklessly endangered me and your two kids and you didn’t manage to ruin us. So.
Take that, dickbag.
Alright. I’m done.
But I’ll just also leave this right here. Just. You know. Do with it what you will.
And, in the spirit of moving forward and taking a healthier approach to my deep loathing for a certain human being who is a lying liar who lies, I’ve decided to go back to yoga.
When I was pregnant I did a lot of Child’s Pose without realizing that I was doing an actual thing that exists. It was just that there was twenty pounds of other people and their life support system contained within my abdomen and it just felt good in an almost unholy, otherworldly way to stretch my shoulders and spine the way that Child’s Pose does that.
But now I’m actually doing it on purpose. Because the only person you have fantasies of maiming when you’re doing yoga is whatever ass clown came up with fucking Garudasana.
Seriously. That guy had to have been on something strong and really bad for you, like Peyote, when he was like, “hey, guys check this shit out.”
Someone should have done something about Garudasana before it became a thing.
Also, someone should have stopped me from getting married. Like, if I ever get my own magic DeLorean? Totally going straight back to Thanksgiving 2007 and encouraging myself to amend the guest list by one very strategic person.
That is all.